| update on my life |
[20 Mar 2007|11:56pm] |
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norah jones |
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i could be going to jail
i could loose ariel
i could loose my mind
im such a lost little girl, in a great big world. i dont know who i am, or what i want out of life, im confused and feeling blank inside. it feels like the world is moving on w/o me, and i dont know how to jump back in. i dont know where to turn, where to go, who to trust, or what to do. it seems like its too much, but then i remember that i do have friends, people that love me, people that would do anything for me, and it just makes the world seem bearable, even for just a moment...
ariel... my rock, my strength, my teacher, my friend, my ticket back to reality, my everything... at times i hate him, and at times, i wonder how i ever got along w/o him... he's no doubt one of the most important people in my life, he's taught me so much, he's changed me, brought me out of my shell, calmed me down, showed me alot about myself, and showed me, that im just getting started... he's the most amazing person that i know. he's so nice, and kind, he really cares, he's not like most boys... he's different... he's... he's mine. after a year and a half, i can honestly say that i dont want anyone else... he's it.. i trust him completely... i love him w/ all my heart... and im one lucky gal
but now i haft'a figure out who i am. what do i want? what am i all about? what drives me? what do i live for? what are my hopes? what are my dreams? what do i believe in? where can i see myself 3 months from now, 6 months, a year, 5 years? where am i going to go to college? where am i going to work? when am i going to move out? can i make it on my own? what is a 401k? how does the stock market really work?and why the hell are we really in iraq? will i make a good mother? will i be a good wife? will i live up to my expectations? will i make my mother proud? will i make myself proud? will i have the dream wedding? will i find "the one", and how will i know him when i find him?
i have less than two weeks till im 18, i wish my mom would've been here to see this, to see me graduate, to meet ariel, to be proud of me... i know that she would've been proud, b/c she was proud of me no matter what... in two weeks im an legally an adult... i can barely take care of myself... ive realized just how big the world is, and just how small i am in it...
i have alot of thinking left to do
i have some growing up to do
i have to finally find myself
ive got alotta stuff i gotta do
i hope i can figure this out
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| i learned something about myself today... |
[22 Jan 2007|11:18pm] |
they say that if something dramatic happens during a person's childhood, at what ever age the event happens, that's the age that they tend to stop developing emotionally.... i think that emotionally im 10 years old
i came to this thought as i was storming out of swim practice. i realized that im not the self-less, caring, nurturing human being that i pictured myself as being. instead im quite the dramatic selfish little kid, who stomps, screams and gets violent when they dont get their way. i tend to say things w/o thinking, i tend to mess up, and have uncontrollable anger that comes in very short spurts. very much like a child.
i always thought that my mother's death wasn't that big of a deal and that it wasn't going to affect me, i was wrong. when she was first diagnosed w/ breast cancer, i was in the sixth grade, and i was about 10 years old. from that point on, ive just shut everything out. i dont care about other peoples feelings, i dont care about their opinions, its either my way or the high way. and the fact that im like this, breaks my heart.
i get very emotional, and i can't help it. i throw tempertantrums. and in the process, i hurt the people that i care about the most. its actually quite amazing that peole put up w/ me. my friends are true hero's. and ariel, geez... he's the most amazing person, b/c he puts up w/ the worst of the worst of me. i know that he's tried to teach me, and just like a parent w/ a child, he's very patient and understanding, but he never gives up. i thank my lucky stars for every day that i have w/ him.
ive also realized that b/c of my mothers death, im terrified of getting close to people, for fear, that one day i may loose them, and then go through pain again. which is probably why ive been yelling at mandy and ariel, and i take everything out on them. its b/c secretly, im terrified of looseing them, so i just end up pushing them away in stead. mandy was my best friend, and b/c of my childish emotions and jealousy... ive lost her... which breaks my heart to pieces. and ariel... im basically the worst girlfriend ever, i take him for granet, i try and roll all over him, treat him like shit.. and i take everything out on him... but deep down.. i wish that i didnt do those things... and i cry after every time i yell at him.
i really need to grow up and deal with my issues. i need to deal w/ stuff instead of ignoring it. i need to understand that other people have emotions and i cant just walk all over them. i put the blame on every one else, when really i need to turn around and blame myself. no one else is in control of me, just me.
i always thought that i was ment for something better, that i was going to save the world, but now, how can i save the world if i cant even save myself? im not the perfect angel that i once thought that i was. how can i love others if i cant even love myself? im supposed to be going off to college... but am i ready? am i ready to be a grown up? am i ready to move out? am i ready to leave the comforts of my home and take care of myself? i dont think so....
im slowly discovering who i am, and so far, i dont like what i see.....
i need change, i need growth, i need to figure out who i really am... and that's going to be tremendous feat on its own
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| summertime |
[25 Nov 2006|03:13am] |
Summertime,
And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high
Your daddy's rich
And your mamma's good lookin'
So hush little baby
Don't you cry
One of these mornings
You're going to rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings
And you'll take to the sky
But till that morning
There's a'nothing can harm you
With daddy and mamma standing by
Summertime,
And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high
Your daddy's rich
And your mamma's good lookin'
So hush little baby
Don't you cry
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| she knew... |
[31 Jul 2006|12:43pm] |
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so basically... i was just sitting there listening to my grandma here in kentucky and she was telling me stories of my mom and i found out some crazy stuff.... she ran away when she was 19 to go and live w/ my dad down in florida... and then she nearly died when she was 20, and my dad dropped out of college so that he could be w/ her and help her through her cancer.... when she was only 20... and the doctor back then told her and the rest of my family that she wasnt going to make past 50.... that the cancer was going to come back and she probably wasnt going to make that second round... she new that she was going to die, she knew when she was going to die... my dad knew that she was going to die... my family knew that she was going to die.. and they didnt tell me... idk what it would've done ... but.. idk... it kinda hurts.. .they ALL knew this...and they didnt have the guts to tell me... im just... kinda sad and hurt.. like.. that must'a been so hard on my mom, she KNEW that she was going to die.... and yet, i never saw her scared or sad or anything... she KNEW, that just boggles my mind, what would i do if i was in that situation... idk.... im so confused.. and like.. they finally told me, an dlike.. now they're giving me stuff, b/ci think that they feel bad for what's happened to me... its not going to make up for the fact that she's gone.... i dont want all this shit that they're giving me... i dont want they're pitty, i dont want them to feel bad for me, i just want my mom back... which is impossible
she KNEW... she knew that she was going to die, and she knew WHEN she was going to die... and yet she was ok w/ it... she was happy... i wish that i could be more like her... i just wanna make her happy... i wanna try and be the perfect daughter that she always wanted me to be...b/c she went through hell and back and put up one hell of a fight just so that she could be there for me
she promised me that she was going to make it too see my wedding and to hold her grandchildren, she promised me.. and like i was so mad at her when she died.. i stood there and yelled at her body for 20 mins, just stood there screaming at her b/c i thought that it was her fault and that she didnt try hard enough... that she just gave up, that she didnt want to live... i was wrong... she tried... she fought.... she loved me more than i can ever imagine... she knew
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| cant sleep, yet again |
[25 Jun 2006|04:03am] |
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june 25, 2006
weight: 143 or the equivilent of a baby elephant
its about 1:06 in the morning and ive finally decided that ive become to big to fit into my fat jeans anymore, and that saddens my heart.
but other than the development of my second chin, ive given up on anything thats more than 2 calories, basically
but on a better note, my summer has gone rather well though, i cant lie
still madly in love with my mermaid and all is going amazing, though i miss him terribly since he's gone to alaska
but im going to seattle, so its not going to be so painful going 2 weeks w/o my one and only
but he is absolutly amazing, which is why im so focused on loosing this weight b/c he's just such a gorgeous hunk of man, that it would be absolutly sinful for him to be dating a girl who weighs more than he does.
found a new movie that i absolutly adore: bridget jones diary. its absolutly fantastic, i felt like i was watching me in about 20 years, just w/ a british accent.
that's about all for my rambling today, wish me luck in seattle
i love you all
hugs and kisses
the fabulous Liz Blanton
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| how to tell your really in love |
[03 Jun 2006|11:27pm] |
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mood |
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 maddly in love |
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music |
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princess bride |
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Come my love, I'll tell you a tale
of a boy and girl and their love story
and how he loved her oh, so much,
and all the charms she did possess.
Chorus:
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel;
it's as real as the feelings I feel.
Now this did happen once upon a time
When things were not so complex.
And how he worshipped the ground she walked on.
When he looked in her eyes, he became obsessed.
[Chorus]
This love was stronger than the powers so dark,
A prince could have within his keeping;
His spells to weave and steal a heart
Within her breast, but only sleeping.
[Chorus]
He said, "Don't you know I love you oh, so much,
And lay my heart at the foot of your dress?"
She said, "Don't you know that storybook loves
Always have a happy ending?"
Then he swooped her up, just like in the books,
And on his stallion they rode away.
[Chorus]
this makes me think of ariel everytime that i read it, this is how you know you truely love someone
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[26 May 2006|09:33am] |
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dixie chicks- im not ready to make nice |
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forgive sounds good
forget... im not sure i could
they say time heals everything
but im still waiting
it was 3 years ago saturday... i tried not to think about it.. but my heart broke once again... i miss her so much
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| in just 6 months |
[01 May 2006|07:01pm] |
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mood |
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in love |
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music |
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dave matthews band |
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i fell in love w/ someone
i met a person that makes me feel complete
ive had the time of my life
loved more than i ever thought i possibly could
given my heart away
in just six months.... its been six wonderful glories short months..
and i couldnt be happier... i love this boy
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| everything |
[19 Apr 2006|12:09am] |
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mood |
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 i dont know |
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music |
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everything-lifehouse |
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EVERYTHING
find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything
and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah
you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now
and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
cause you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
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[13 Apr 2006|05:16pm] |
good times
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| i hate this feeling :[ |
[07 Apr 2006|07:27am] |
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 depressed |
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-im on academic probation, which basically means that i failed every class that i have.
-im quitting synchro. im sick of crying after every practice, im sick of not feeling excepted. im sick of puking before every practice, i hate it, no more.
-i dont know what's going on w/ my and ariel, but i know that its not good.
-im just really upset, and i pretty much know why, every year around this time i go into a deep depression b/c i start to think about her, i start to miss her... this sucks.
----i hate this feeling :[
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| ♥ life |
[01 Apr 2006|12:26am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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Paul Reveer & The Raiders- Little Red Riding Hood |
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♥ mmm lately ive been in a state of unbelievable happieness... nothing can bring me down... im in love w/ the most amazing guy ever... my life seems to be falling right into place... now all im waiting for is some horrible thing, but...until then, im having an amazing time, getting in touch w/ who i really am, figureing out who i am inside... i feel in touch w/ everything around me, its pretty much amazing ... mmmm i hope this feeling lasts forever ♥
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[24 Feb 2006|03:51pm] |
 ew... grossness\
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[19 Feb 2006|02:50pm] |
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mood |
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so in love |
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music |
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beautiful-james blunt |
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im so in love w/ this boy... this is the love of my life.... the end.
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| i love him so much that it hurts |
[07 Feb 2006|06:34pm] |
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mood |
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 broken hearted |
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yea.. so um.. i hate fighting w/ ariel, i hate all this drama, i hate having to feel jealous... i love how i leave for 3 days and come back and me and him are on the verge of break up, and that was such a scary place, and i never want to be there anymore.. its so scary... i love him so much, i dont want to loose him, this whole drama scared me, i know that i acted like a hard ass and as if it wasnt a big deal, but omg, i was crying on the inside, staying up to all hours of the morning crying my eyes out being scared and worried, i was so nervous to see him, i hate having to pack up all his stuff JUST IN CASE we were to break up... it scared me, i never want to be there again, i dont want to think about what would happen if we were to break up, i dont wanna think about me dating someone else, i dont wanna think about deleting him from everything, i dont wanna think about having to find someone else who will never measure up to him, i dont wanna loose him, he's my everything, and im so scared right now, i know that he says that its over, but... iknow that its not, you cant get over something like that, not that quickly... now i feel like i cant trust him and i want to trust him, i want everything to go back to the way that it was, why are we fighting? i thought that we loved each other, then how can he be confused about this other girl.. does he realyl love me? should i stay w/ him... should i give him another chance? i dont know what to do in times like this, i wasnt prepared for something like this, this is the last thing that i expected, he was my rock, the one thing that i counted on to neevr change, that his love would always be there.. and now my foundation is shaking, falling apart right in front of my eyes... what am i going to do? i love him w/ my whole entire heart, i can HONESTLY say that i love him, and that i wanna be w/ him, i dont want anyone else, he makes me so very happy, i turn to him for everything, when im sad and crying, i go to him, but how can you cry on someone's shoulder, when they were the person who made you cry in the first place... i just want to be able to trust him again, from now on... im going to question everything, w/o even meaning to.. and i dont wanna do that, i wanna be able to trust him agian, and no that he's always going to be there for me, no matter what... was i not being a good girlfriend? where did i mess up? what do i not have that she does? did i not give him enough attention? did i not show him how i felt? im more mad at myself than anything else,b/c i feel like i messed up somewhere, that i didnt do something, that i could've done one more thing and none of this would have ever happened... i feel like such a bad girlfriend.. i know that we live in seperate towns, but.... i was trying my hardest, i gave this relationship my all and my everything, b/c i want this one to last,and now im scared that its almost over, the one thing that i love the most, is falling right through my hands... how can i catch it again? how can we start over, and make this time better... how can i show him that i really want to be w /him? ... this whole thing has showed me how much i truely do care about him, showed me that i want him to be w/ me, i want him to be mine, and all mine, not someone elses... i love him so much... why do i hurt?
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blueeyedlizzard's journal
full
bored
my new hero
ive had nightmares where she ate me
quixotic
up at 5am w/ nothing to do
the first love of my life.. aka best friends kick ass 
the love of my life...
the other love of my life...
once again.. best friends kick ass
o what fun times we encountered!